series of thoughts

1. I need to write these thoughts otherwise they would consume me destructively. 
2. I noticed that when my thoughts - even positive ones - stay too long in my head, they all rot.
3. Here I am 20 something minutes before I ought to leave the house trying to save myself from my own thoughts. 
4. Last night, I was watching Eat, Pray, Love. Now that I think about it, it seemed like a desperate attempt to enlighten myself about the beauty of life and the universe. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the movie... maybe because the oriental places in the movie reminded me so much of home. To some extent, I can relate to Liz. She has this box of magazine pages of the places she's always wanted to visit. Travelling is that one thing I am certain I want to do in life. 
5. Am I going through a phase? 
6. I've been reading a lot of travel blogs lately and my will to travel has grown since. But... will this be a permanent feeling? Or will my mindset change like how I change my aesthetic preferences every few months? 
7. I mean, I know I want to travel. When I think about getting immersed in new cultures, I feel my heart beating. Isn't that what being a alive means?
8. These past few years have been very robotic. I've been going through life in a chronological order, always submitting to societal pressure. 
9. "After high school you need to go to university. After getting your degree, get a job. Oh and also get married and start your own family along the way." 
10. I think about relationships more often than I admit. You know, "how does it feel like to have someone hold your hand?" "what's it like to have someone think about you in that way?" 
11. But it's like... I don't want to have my own family. Dating? Yes, sure. Boyfriend? Uhm, maybe. Getting married? ....... 
12. I am not sure about my major anymore. I'm never certain about anything these days. 
13. I really need to journal again and fix my life. 

the rest of my first roll

We invited friends over. In between the sound of twinkling laughter and the Christmas songs, I found myself worrying about how I would go about entertaining the guests.

I love shopping centres during the holidays. They have nice color palettes. 

My family before the party.

Gastown at night.  

Holy Rosary Cathedral.

I love how the amount of text message we send each other on a daily basis doesn't determine the extent of our friendship.

Mi mama.

Banana stealing the focus (literally) away from the caldereta.

Season's Greetings. 

because she has too many photos in my first roll of film

My sister and I are three years apart. When I asked my mom how I reacted upon having another human being in the household, she said at first I was apathetic about the whole thing. Later on, I developed feelings of jealousy. I mean, I've been the only child for three years then suddenly, this other person comes along and gets my mom's attention. Except that she's not just 'some other person,' she's my sister. 

I don't know why I'm writing about this but since I've already started this, might as well...

Pre-school years: 

She fell off her crib because of me. 

I would go with her to her classes otherwise she wouldn't attend them. 

I pushed her one time because she 'stole' (according to my 5 year old self) my ball and her nose collided with the sharp edge of our side table. 

Elementary years:

She got bullied a lot. 

She proudly said to our parents that I used to defend her. I wish I could've agreed that I did that for her sake and not for my the 'good person' reputation I was maintaining. 

We argued a lot about out computer schedules (because we had one computer then).

I cried and complained once because she was getting all the attention although I was getting all the good grades.

Present: 

I borrowed a bobby pin from her once and she accidentally gave me the one with the sharp edge. She took it back and gave me a new one. I definitely would have given her the sharp edged one. 

Okay, I get it. I've been such an inconsiderate sister, or person in general. 

I don't remember saying 'I love you' to her in so long. 

I genuinely love my sister, it's just SO difficult to express it. It's not even about getting my parents' attention (that is so 10 years ago). I just hate appearing excessively sentimental and sweet. 

Square One

I can't count how many times I've written a first blog post on a new blog with the prospect of "being inspired" or "surrounding myself with positive things." You see, blogging is a cycle for me: I get inspired, I make a blog, I keep the blog until I change my aesthetic preferences, the feeling of being obligated to post something begins to swell, I make a new blog, repeat. I started blogging when I was 13. I discovered Tumblr through a 'friend' (someone I thought was cool so I sent her a friend request to stalk her photos, what a creep I know) on Friendster (oh, the HTML and picnik and image mapping phase of my life, good times). Friendster was my first social media and I loved it. Even then, visual aspects matter to me so I taught myself a bit of HTML. I remember spending my whole weekend designing theme templates and reading forums at HideCodesGalore (I'm not too sure if it was called this). I spent a month looking for free online photo editing softwares (when I found picnik, my life changed, like how my hair color did every time I edited my photos). I'm currently cringing as I recall searching up love quotes ("Dear heart, I fell for a boy, so good luck" wtf) and pasting them on my zoomed-in photos. There was also this graphic website I used to frequent on to search for images I would put as a signature for my comments. Friendster was my life then. Honestly, I never understood why everyone migrated to Facebook (although I did too (okay, I liked Farmville)). When I discovered Tumblr, I had a whole new perspective on life. I'm not exaggerating. My first blog was full of photos I edited using PhotoScape and some drawings with really cheesy quotes. It was mostly me experimenting on things and trying to establish individualism. It was like a diary but I let people read it. It was a totally different thing for me being a private person. I deactivated my first blog when I thought I graduated from being a rookie to this whole blogging thing. I made another blog then I deactivated again when I felt 'better' and 'more experienced'. It was, still is, a never-ending process. So here I am again. I'm not even gonna end this with 'hopefully, tomorrow I will be inspired as well and not delete this blog.' 

I'm gonna end it with a question: should I stay up to watch Broadchurch?